what you seek is seeking you. ~ Rumi
Every time I hear or read this quote, I experience a shimmy of electricity up my spine.
It's both comforting and activating.
It reminds me that there are no wrong turns, no truly missed opportunities, and no reason for shame.
Though our outer world may imply otherwise, I hold these truths close to my heart when I feel the heaviness press in.
I may not see the way ahead with complete knowledge.
I may stumble through the fog, a lot.
But I have learned to trust this process and hold this vision: I walk, supported. I walk, guided. I walk, led.
I made a painful decision to release something I deeply wanted recently. Of necessity.
There were so many emotions around it all: embarrassment that I had to back away from a commitment, anger with myself for not finding a way to somehow make it happen, sorrow that I would miss out, feelings that the train was pulling out of the station and I was being left behind, alone ('again', that nasty little voice whined)... and other cling-ons that chimed into the chorus, effectively breaking my heart.
It was a bitter pill to swallow initially.
But early on in this decisions let go of my plans, I made a promise to myself that I would sit with this experience and ride it to the very center, learning from it as if it were a holy and wise teacher. Which every experience is, by the way. (just a gentle reminder, love)
What could I take away from this?
Honestly- if there was no way out of the discomfort anyway, and no magic wand powerful enough to conjure a solution (at least- one that looked more like me getting my way), then I might as well fully immerse myself in the classroom and come away with something of worth.
I sat inside this stew pot for days, battling.
Then, with prayer and meditation, in communication with my guides, I began hearing some extraordinary direction.
I slowly began to see an unfolding, an opening into something different that I would not have even considered if this loss had not occurred.
Even more beautiful, I simultaneously began to understand, with crystal clear awareness, that this was not a "Oh, honey, I'm so sorry you feel like crap about not getting that pretty toy, so here's a substitute..." gift from the Universe.
Not at all.
This was the thing that was meant to be see all along.
And perhaps this loss didn't HAVE to occur for me to recognize it, but the situation was ripe, Spirit saw the shot and took it.
NOW! I heard, and my eyes were opened, instantly and suddenly in one morning, after days and days of an aching heart.
Later that same morning, driving my sweetie to work (which never happens), he got out of the car and stopped in his tracks, looking down at the ground in the parking lot.
I had no idea what he was looking at, and felt a slight anxious pressure to get moving, since cars were beginning to line up behind me, waiting for me to go.
But I was stuck, waiting for Nino to stand back up and walk into the building for his shift.
He slowly straightened and looked at me, confused and awed.
His eyes were glued to mine, waiting for me to realize that something important had just happened.
He lifted his hand to show me the thing that had caught his attention.
A large, clear quartz crystal point sat in his palm. It was just there, on the ground, in the parking lot, right under his feet!
I instantly knew it was meant for me. So did he.
He grinned, opened the passenger side door and handed it to me.
Then he walked into work.
I sat in the driver's seat, stunned and overwhelmed by feelings of love and support from the higher realms.
The crystal was electric, sending tingles up my arm, bringing heat into my heart center.
Just that morning, during my quiet time before sunrise, I had been visited in my meditation by my higher self, who gave me a crystal and assured me that clarity would come.
I pulled away from the curb, and began driving home with my two-year-old chattering in the back seat.
I only heard every third word.
Spirit was speaking again:
Clarity... is being in the beauty.
The treasure you uncovered in the ashes of your loss?
It's not a consolation prize.
It is the stone of great price; the precious gem you've been seeking from the beginnings of Before You Knew What You Sought.
It has baked, tirelessly; refined, purified, matured in the heat of your passions and pain- transmuted.
Made of smoke and water, of wind and wars, of time and tempests.
So, do not privately turn up your nose when you eye catches the glimmer in the grime.
The gods are not doling out participation trophies.
You've just stumbled upon your inheritance.
Remember always ~
what is born of great, shuddering compressions are jewels that scatter light.