12 Steps to rewilding

Step One

Trust what the Loud Voices tell you. THEY have, after all, been loud & very confident in Their loudness for a very long time.

Do what They say. 

Acquiesce to Their every demand. 

Believe what They decree is the absolute truth of you, the world & the cosmos. 

Disregard any feelings of doubt that They are right. 

They are authoritative. 

They seem to know something you don't.

Probably everything you don't.

Step Two

Allow Their redefining of:

whatever THEY deem needs redefining. 

Step Three

Feel the unbearable weight of inadequacy.

Allow this slimy self-doubt to work its way into body & mind, threading thorns into the seams of your soul.

Embrace with a single-minded fear (you will name this humility) your place in the order of things. 

Be obedient.

Be compliant.

Be quiet.

Don't speak anything but agreement.

Your questions are not to be trusted.

Your instincts are dangerous.

You are essentially broken.

The first deceived, the last to see.

The only way to ensure your salvation is to turn over any sense of self or power to THEM.

They know what is best for you. It is your silent acceptance. 

Be still.

Step Four

Wonder in the darkest hours of the night where you misplaced your innocent joy & your fluid sense of self that heard the whispered words of winds. 

Grieve & deny knowing why you grieve.

Rage inside & deny knowing what to do about it.

Bleed without being able to staunch the flow, observing the slow, steady draining of you.

Endure a painful restlessness.

Worry over the confusion even as you follow all the ten thousand rules.

Step Five

Feel lumpy.

Something.

Won't settle.

Step Six

Squirm.

Step Seven

Try everything you can think of to position yourself more comfortably on the seat of reality & how things are & the truth hurts sometimes, though the “truth” you've been fed has cut deep with a dull blade, eating into your lungs so that breathing has become difficult.

Explain away your doubts as discontent & exhaustion.

Tell your mind, body and heart that what you are sensing deep in your chest and belly is a deception, an abomination. 

The Loud Voices warned you these feelings may come at some point, didn't They? 

They are always right, so explain that to your squirming self & sit still.

Step Eight

Eventually, after days, months, years pass, acknowledge that you can't push IT away. 

IT won't LEAVE you. 

IT has not only held on with an iron grip, but has burrowed in & taken up residence. 

IT has become the most uncomfortable, uninvited, unwelcome roommate of your soul you could have ever imagined. 

There is no escape.

Step Nine

In desperation for what you know not, begin asking timid, testing questions from the Loud Voices around you've been told to trust. 

Feel the tender skin burn right off your face & scalp as you receive angry, patronizing admonitions to sit down & shut up.

“Or else.”

Step Ten

Realize in a blinding flash of clarity, that your heart hasn't felt "right" since you don't remember when. 

Feel terrified by your own, unspoken honesty & clamp your arms around your middle in case anyone discovers your secret.

IT has begun speaking now, not only pressing on your guts. 

IT has much to say, & loudly.

IT makes frightening, wild animal sounds that grow from the root of you. 

Step Eleven

Discover, with both horror & a small bright jump in your guts that you are finally ready for “Or Else". 

Because at least you will be honest, & you know that will always be better than this sick twisting at your center, in private, where you hide from your fear & doubt.

The "Or Else" has been an effective leverage, you begin to understand. 

It is the silent weapon & witness that has held you secure in a self-inflicted paralysis; a plastic smile of FINE, OKAY, and SURE permanently tattooed on your lips & aching cheeks, even if it never reaches your eyes.

It never reaches your eyes.

It never has.

Step Twelve

Walk out. 

Feel nervous. 

Hear the loud voices condemn you, or ignore your existence, or use your story as a cautionary tale to others, or send emissaries to retrieve you. 

Watch the ones you traveled with, broken bread with, come of age with, step away. Or maybe you are the one stepping away... 

In either case, the distance between you grows larger. 

And now begins the work of healing; the rewilding dance that will carry you to your truth.

This is where we find the souls of others & bear them up, wrap them in kindness, tell them our own story. The whole story.

They will look at us in wonder. 

"You too?" They will ask incredulously. 

Yes, we will say, as we wipe the tears from their scorched cheeks. 

Us, too.